It has been about four and a half months since I stepped foot off of that plane from Tucson, Arizona. The events swirl around my head constantly, consistently reminding me of my faults and my doubts. Like everyone's unique trials, it gets old, and starts to erode your confidence and self image if left unchecked. My trials are not more special or less special that anyone else's in the world, and I am constantly reminded of that. The fact I attempted suicide does not make my trials more than the girl down the street who has never known her father, the old man sitting across from me who just lost his beloved wife, or the teenager who struggles with her self image. Nor does it make them any less.
When I was first diagnosed with depression on the mission, it really bugged me. I had grown up in a wonderful family, who loved me dearly. I never really had many issues, and never lacked for love. My companion at the time, meanwhile, had his family torn apart in a messy divorce, and was constantly having to put up with them fighting and back stabbing one another. It was a huge trial, and one day I snapped, breaking down because I did not have any reason to be so sad all the time, and that my life was easy, there was simply no warrant for these feelings! My companion wisely told me right there to stop comparing.
"To compare, my friend, is to despair." He told me. "What you are going through, I could never go through and come out alive," he then said, "and I firmly believe the opposite is true as well."
What happened then, and has happened many times since, has been the realization that we all have our own struggles, and that we all have the same access to have them lifted. We go through tough things, maybe not for someone else, but for us, they are tough.
Pat yourself on the back for making it this far. You are still alive, you can still smile, and you have such a beautiful smile. You would be making such a mistake if you did not share such a truly magnificent smile. You can help others by being happy. You can make their burdens seem lighter by just being you. Even though you are so sad at times, even though you want to quit and run away, or end it all, or whatever, you can still help people, and you really can still smile through those tears of yours. It may not seem possible, but it really is.
Let this video demonstrate what I cannot effectively say. This is a beautiful piece made by Kurt Kuenne. For fear of stealing any of its thunder, please watch this short if you are ever feeling down or out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao&feature=youtu.be
Go validate someone, and find yourself being validated by doing so.
