The Truth About Red
The life of J. Mahlon Allred
Shortly after I was diagnosed with MDD, I came to a crossroads in my life. Do I try to "conceal, don't feel" with my issues, pretend that they do not exist and fake it 'till I make it as a "normal" and fully functioning member of society? Or do I open up about my issues and dilemmas, at the risk of sounding needy, attention seeking, and even possibly helpless? The answer was surprisingly clear to me even very early on; I needed to share my experiences with as many people as possible so that they might gain a greater sense of hope.
My situations have been far from hopeless, and in fact I fully recognize that I have had a physically privileged childhood of ease. While we were never rich we always had what we needed and managed to have enough of our wants to keep us happy. I never have nor ever will know what it is like to grow up having two families due to divorce or abandonment, and I never got in terrible or violent fights with my family and siblings. Life has been pretty great for me on paper.
Emily Dickinson says it perfectly in her poem "Not In Vain:"
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain:
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
And that is precisely why I was so confused about why I had (and still have) depression.
It has been very difficult for me to recognize that many of my challenges on this mortal side of life stem straight from my head, and the organs that sustain its life. To me it has often felt like living an illusion, and trying to discern what is real and what is man made in my head. Often I have missed the real conspiracies because I am questioning even the most elementary aspects of life to gain more truth. Occasionally I find myself in knots from my personal investigations and even confuse what is known with what is speculated. It has been a very pressing issue for me to deal with, I have to use something imperfect to try to gain a perfect knowledge. It is by all human definitions, completely impossible.
And that is where my belief in God mainly stems from. Only when I have tried to communicate with God have I been able to feel a peace and presence that I have known to be missing in my life. Only when I have tried to earnestly know this grand Creator of mine have I had incredible success with understanding myself and my thought process. There are no scientific or worldly rational aspects to it, just faith. I cannot convince anyone else that He is a real, living, loving and helping God, but no one can ever convince me of the opposite either. I am content with that, though I will try to spread around His love the best I can.
One of the best ways that I can connect with not only God but also with my feelings is through the various mediums of art. This is what has inspired this blog, the use of art to explain what I have found to be impossible to explain through words alone. A beautiful realization with this is that everyone experiences life differently, and art is no less subjective, so while I understand my audience may not understand exactly what I felt like, I know that in their own way they can connect with me at those times.
One of the best ways that I can connect with not only God but also with my feelings is through the various mediums of art. This is what has inspired this blog, the use of art to explain what I have found to be impossible to explain through words alone. A beautiful realization with this is that everyone experiences life differently, and art is no less subjective, so while I understand my audience may not understand exactly what I felt like, I know that in their own way they can connect with me at those times.
Music especially is incredibly powerful in illustrating feelings, especially when done right. Like other forms of fine art, the purpose is to create a new feeling, or to stir up old ones in the audience. It is a dedicated work that is complicated and timely. The fact that the modern world has found a way to cheaply imitate this through catchy pop songs and computer programs designed to recreate masterpieces stands as an example of just how important and worthwhile we as a society have placed art, and yet so ironically we have settled for something so fake, and immature. I do not mean to say that anything mainstream is garbage, not at all, but there are certainly many lime-lighted superstars who mass produce music as a consumer good rather than putting the emotion and passion that truly good music should have. This is also not an attack on any genre either, I believe all genres of music can have the same power if the right passion is put into it, and I have seen sellout classicists just as I have seen country stars and hip hop icons also sellout. I feel it is kind of like pornography, where you get many of the same effects as real sex, only you miss the mark completely. It only replicates some of the symptoms of sex to fool our too easily satisfied minds, when in reality it is re-wiring our brain to view sex as a purely physical act, and lead us down mentalities that are far more self centered and hostile than any of us would ever want to be. While less dramatic, I think there is something to be said about the music and art industries of today using chords and riffs to replicate a similar sound of something produced to feel, not just hear. I think Personally, it is just another way the world gets us indifferent and clueless to what it means to feel, so that it can enslave us.
I am a pessimist. Like Thomas Hobbes's philosophy, I believe that if we are given power that is left unchecked to even the smallest degree, we will exploit it, as the human race. I believe we all only do things that give us something in return. We only invest because we believe the outcome is greater than the cost for us. Now there are plenty of examples that say that this is not entirely true, but I believe it to be mostly true, like a natural state of man. If we do not police and control ourselves we will do nothing less that pamper our own selves at everyone else's expense. I have always been a pessimist in that regard, though I would like to believe it is more of a cautious optimism rather than a hope or necessity of failure. I hope for the best in people, but too often expect the worst in them, including myself.
This leads to my naturally darker, gloomier writing style, morose and unsettling at times. If you talk to me, chances are you will notice my humor or my optimism or something generally opposite of what you may read here. That is not because I lead two lives, but rather that I want to write out my insecure feelings, my doubts, failures, losses, and destructiveness so that I can 1. gain a better perspective on the situation, including my thoughts and emotions, and 2. to possibly help others in their personal struggles.
Rather early in my life I had a premonition that something was different about me. I had episodes of manias and confusion that seemed to be a little more dramatic than what was the norm, and wondered if my parents had hidden some kind of ADD diagnosis or something like that. I learned how to put on a mask to conceal the pain that I felt so that others would think that I was normal. Occasionally that mask would slip off and people would get a glimpse of what I call my daily discord. I am really not a dreadfully sad person, but when I keep those thoughts and feelings inside, they have a way of becoming a part of you. So this is my way of helping get them out, and I try exceptionally hard to ensure that each post has at least some kind of redeeming value to it, a lesson that we can take to our lives to help improve ourselves. This blog has certainly helped with that, and serves as a way for me to connect out to many who I normally cannot, and I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that.
The last part about me that I would like to share is my ever growing gratitude for all of my family, friends, and loved ones. I know I would not be here today (on multiple occasions) if you had not been there for me. I have not always been so kind and loving in return, but I try, and I especially try to share the same vision and love that was given to me by you all. If I could ever ask anything from my audience, it would be to help inspire in others what I may have inspired in you. I will not pretend that I am a great writer, or that I have a far reaching social media voice, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is making sure that you are working harder on becoming a better person, and that involves helping those around you. I am trying to do that, but know that the cause for this blog is that I often miss my mark.
I am a pessimist. Like Thomas Hobbes's philosophy, I believe that if we are given power that is left unchecked to even the smallest degree, we will exploit it, as the human race. I believe we all only do things that give us something in return. We only invest because we believe the outcome is greater than the cost for us. Now there are plenty of examples that say that this is not entirely true, but I believe it to be mostly true, like a natural state of man. If we do not police and control ourselves we will do nothing less that pamper our own selves at everyone else's expense. I have always been a pessimist in that regard, though I would like to believe it is more of a cautious optimism rather than a hope or necessity of failure. I hope for the best in people, but too often expect the worst in them, including myself.
This leads to my naturally darker, gloomier writing style, morose and unsettling at times. If you talk to me, chances are you will notice my humor or my optimism or something generally opposite of what you may read here. That is not because I lead two lives, but rather that I want to write out my insecure feelings, my doubts, failures, losses, and destructiveness so that I can 1. gain a better perspective on the situation, including my thoughts and emotions, and 2. to possibly help others in their personal struggles.
Rather early in my life I had a premonition that something was different about me. I had episodes of manias and confusion that seemed to be a little more dramatic than what was the norm, and wondered if my parents had hidden some kind of ADD diagnosis or something like that. I learned how to put on a mask to conceal the pain that I felt so that others would think that I was normal. Occasionally that mask would slip off and people would get a glimpse of what I call my daily discord. I am really not a dreadfully sad person, but when I keep those thoughts and feelings inside, they have a way of becoming a part of you. So this is my way of helping get them out, and I try exceptionally hard to ensure that each post has at least some kind of redeeming value to it, a lesson that we can take to our lives to help improve ourselves. This blog has certainly helped with that, and serves as a way for me to connect out to many who I normally cannot, and I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that.
The last part about me that I would like to share is my ever growing gratitude for all of my family, friends, and loved ones. I know I would not be here today (on multiple occasions) if you had not been there for me. I have not always been so kind and loving in return, but I try, and I especially try to share the same vision and love that was given to me by you all. If I could ever ask anything from my audience, it would be to help inspire in others what I may have inspired in you. I will not pretend that I am a great writer, or that I have a far reaching social media voice, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is making sure that you are working harder on becoming a better person, and that involves helping those around you. I am trying to do that, but know that the cause for this blog is that I often miss my mark.
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