Departure II

Absence makes the heart grow stronger.

-Unknown

     Home? No, not now. Just a place I once lived. Just an area where I found friends, good times, bad times, and a lot of soul searching. But home? No, not home. Why? Because home just moved. Again. The beauty of the hardships is that in order to become strong, we must be tested. Part of that is being moved. Part of that is letting go of everyone and everything because your love for God is far greater and stronger. God will not let you abandon your family, quite the opposite, but as the quote above says, it must be because I have not yet understood the meaning of true love. I will learn this again and again, and again. It is a part of my life.

     It is miserable and magical at the same time! Have you ever wanted to just start over? New area, new friends, new life? Well, I get to do that every 6 weeks to 6 months. For better or for worse. Every missionary does. And that is the beauty of it all. To me, it is a way to perfect myself, like a twisted real life version of Groundhog day and reincarnation combined. I get to restart. 

     I am very sad to leave New Mexico right now. It really grew on me, and I learned so much here. I learned that I had MDD, I learned how to try to stop it, I did a ton of soul searching and rising from ashes... Again and again I was helped by many others. New Mexico was the start of my true repentance and my real path to learning how to live. I have been pretty successful faking it for a while, but now it is time to truly live. To become passionate about what I get to do, what I have paid to do, what I have been asked to do, and to do it the absolute best that I can. Now is my chance. I cant help but feel a little sad about leaving this wonderful place, this home away from home, but I also know that I am needed elsewhere, that I get to really be able to help others again. 

 

     So here I am, on this bus going from the middle of nowhere to the middle of nowhere, the various tans, browns and beige's cast from the dead New Mexico scaping the way. It's impossible to not shed a tear as the bus mercilessly continues its path away from my second home, but it is a mere testament to my love for the people of Deming.

    

 

Goodbye.

 

     It seems that my life as of late has really only been one departure to the next, with only enough time to get to know and love the place before. It is strangely exciting in a morbid kind of way, your heart grows weary at the sight of new faces and places all the time, and yet you cannot wait to just get out and see it all.

     I mentioned Groundhog Day (the movie) and how I kind of feel a connection to it. I really do, it seems that every time I get to restart, I get to work on the failures I had and change them to successes. It is strangely satisfying to have that opportunity, to get... closure. Though unlike Groundhog Day I do not have the benefit of having everyone think it was all only in one day, it is a whole lifetime. I was doodling around with some good old verse, and was struck by something I wrote a few months ago:

 

The pains of cleansing

Refreshes and renews

Assaulted with sensing

My small heart grew

 

     When we feel pain, it makes the times that we feel joy so much the greater. I love the quote "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." by unknown. A life is a journey, not an outcome. We are not judged in the end by what we did, but by what we bacame. Who we bacame. What we stood up for and why, and that takes time and practice. That takes tests and wisdom, which is only earned by trials and tough situations. One of my trials is learning to better get along with people, and trying to better myself through helping and seeing others. That means keeping me on my toes by cutting off my comforts. It is beautiful, like I said, in that slightly depressing way. Weary goodbyes are soon replaced with lovely hellos. It is just how life works, even we if we do not meet again this side of Heaven, God be with you till we meet again, friend.