Departure II

Absence makes the heart grow stronger.

-Unknown

     Home? No, not now. Just a place I once lived. Just an area where I found friends, good times, bad times, and a lot of soul searching. But home? No, not home. Why? Because home just moved. Again. The beauty of the hardships is that in order to become strong, we must be tested. Part of that is being moved. Part of that is letting go of everyone and everything because your love for God is far greater and stronger. God will not let you abandon your family, quite the opposite, but as the quote above says, it must be because I have not yet understood the meaning of true love. I will learn this again and again, and again. It is a part of my life.

     It is miserable and magical at the same time! Have you ever wanted to just start over? New area, new friends, new life? Well, I get to do that every 6 weeks to 6 months. For better or for worse. Every missionary does. And that is the beauty of it all. To me, it is a way to perfect myself, like a twisted real life version of Groundhog day and reincarnation combined. I get to restart. 

     I am very sad to leave New Mexico right now. It really grew on me, and I learned so much here. I learned that I had MDD, I learned how to try to stop it, I did a ton of soul searching and rising from ashes... Again and again I was helped by many others. New Mexico was the start of my true repentance and my real path to learning how to live. I have been pretty successful faking it for a while, but now it is time to truly live. To become passionate about what I get to do, what I have paid to do, what I have been asked to do, and to do it the absolute best that I can. Now is my chance. I cant help but feel a little sad about leaving this wonderful place, this home away from home, but I also know that I am needed elsewhere, that I get to really be able to help others again. 

 

     So here I am, on this bus going from the middle of nowhere to the middle of nowhere, the various tans, browns and beige's cast from the dead New Mexico scaping the way. It's impossible to not shed a tear as the bus mercilessly continues its path away from my second home, but it is a mere testament to my love for the people of Deming.

    

 

Goodbye.

 

     It seems that my life as of late has really only been one departure to the next, with only enough time to get to know and love the place before. It is strangely exciting in a morbid kind of way, your heart grows weary at the sight of new faces and places all the time, and yet you cannot wait to just get out and see it all.

     I mentioned Groundhog Day (the movie) and how I kind of feel a connection to it. I really do, it seems that every time I get to restart, I get to work on the failures I had and change them to successes. It is strangely satisfying to have that opportunity, to get... closure. Though unlike Groundhog Day I do not have the benefit of having everyone think it was all only in one day, it is a whole lifetime. I was doodling around with some good old verse, and was struck by something I wrote a few months ago:

 

The pains of cleansing

Refreshes and renews

Assaulted with sensing

My small heart grew

 

     When we feel pain, it makes the times that we feel joy so much the greater. I love the quote "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." by unknown. A life is a journey, not an outcome. We are not judged in the end by what we did, but by what we bacame. Who we bacame. What we stood up for and why, and that takes time and practice. That takes tests and wisdom, which is only earned by trials and tough situations. One of my trials is learning to better get along with people, and trying to better myself through helping and seeing others. That means keeping me on my toes by cutting off my comforts. It is beautiful, like I said, in that slightly depressing way. Weary goodbyes are soon replaced with lovely hellos. It is just how life works, even we if we do not meet again this side of Heaven, God be with you till we meet again, friend. 

Random Verbal Spillages Written Down

Otherwise known as a rant.

     I like pie. No seriously, I really like pie. New Mexico is starting to cool down, what little hasn't already died is dying, and the colors have reverted to their normal cascade of beige, tan, occasional sages, and brown. The air is dry, and the wind is kicking up. It kind of reminds me of home. 

     I dream of home sometimes, it is a strange place, where things are not always patterned, where organization can be neglected, and randomness is welcomed, to an extent. It is a place that seems perfect for a dream, a place where people who love you reside, and where your friends live and interact with one another. But alas, it is only a dream, and the monotony of work starts to set in again. Time to go back out.

     But work isn't bad. It is at times mechanical, a constant search for the same thing. I heard once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. Sometimes, I feel a little insane in that regard. Sometimes insanity is the job description of my work. Search, search, search, find, try to find if lost again... Searching. A constant lookout for anything and anyone who might be interested in hearing what we have to say. Work. 

     It slightly surprised me just how much this work can take out of you, and how much it can give back, if you look for it. Again, everything is found, very rarely is anything given, and even if it is, it is simply the start of a longer, more deep search. Dig, dig dig. Who am I? Dig, and find. What am I doing here? Search, and you will see. A common phrase in the Bible is "Ask, and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you." I have grown to really live that. What is the answer to life? Ask, and ye shall receive... 

     I have recently really struggled to find out who I am. It is a very intriguing and soul searching question that cannot be taken lightly, or else you will find only the surface of yourself. For a while, that is what I did. I was a little scared to search inside of me, and so I compiled my favorite activities and thought that analyzing them would bring up some of me. Well, Star Wars, poetry, thousands of different songs, artists, and genres and other nerdiness gave me some rather hollow conclusions. I saw more of why I liked them, and saw a little bit of what I would also like, but it didn't give me how I liked them, and who I am to like those... I was still in need.

     Ask, and ye shall receive. I think many of us simply ask the question, and then sit down and wait for the glorious "aha!" moment to wake us up from our ignorance. I continually (and insanely) find that cannot be the case. I think the Bible, and Jesus Christ, in all His wisdom, asks us to also search for the answer. To ask is good, but to knock will yield real results. So, I am starting to do just that. What do I find? Honestly, I find some incredibly beautiful and destructive parts of me, parts I never knew existed.

     How can we know how strong Diamond is without testing it? The same must apply to each of us, how strong are each of us if we are never tested as well? it reminds me of a part of a poem I wrote a few months ago:

I think of those dark past times

And all of those battles I've fought

Was I able to sufficiently shine?

Or was this all for naught?

Yes, those times where quite hard

And more are quick to follow

But I must pass through this dark boulevard

To ensure that I'm not hollow

     And so with that, I started to embrace my trials, and started to kind of like the bad parts of me that came out through them. Not because I am a masochist or because I like to be in stressful situations, but because once I see the bad parts, I can start to get them out of me. Like a sword being forged from ore, the rock and impurities must be burned out. It is a stressful and sometimes very hard process, but the only one that will be able to make the metal into a useful and strong tool. I will use this time in the Refiner's fire to make sure that when I return home I will be the best person I can be. I will be humble enough to see my faults, and will be strong enough to take them on, sometimes slowly, but always working. I will rise. If you want to listen to this spirit, listen to "Arise" by E.S. Posthumous.

Blemished Inception

Blemished Inception:

Another flawed genesis

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

     -Unknown

     We aren't perfect. Kind of a funny way to start a new blog, but it is true. I am not asking you to excuse my imperfections and my mistakes, but instead to see that we are all imperfect, and that we are all just a fraction of what we can become. 

     A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder as well as Severe Anxiety, and it came to me as a shock. I thought I was happy enough, and my doubts and sadness I thought was merely a normal experience, and yet I always knew it was a little deeper, it hurt me a little more, than it should have. Great, so I have this problem, and I need to learn how to cope with it, and to be able to still lead a happy, hopeful and successful life and hopefully one day raise a family. So, I started by posting a couple other posts on my first blog, Immortal Combat: Fighting the Natural Man, but it was too narrow of a field for me to roam in, my thoughts had to be confined to the thoughts of me conquering myself, which is to say the least, tiring and boring at times. So I made a new blog, one that will truly become a journal and a record of my thoughts and my feelings, a way for me to explain myself and to examine myself closely so that I can become the best human being I am capable of. Why is this public? Because I would like to maybe help others in my journey too, to have them avoid some of the pitfalls I have fallen into, and to be able to learn from me.

     I have for a long time thought about how on earth I will be able to do this. How can I explain the intricate and fragile substance of my soul, and have other people understand it? I can write decently enough, but not well enough to tackle such a grand and ambitious idea. No, I needed something more pure than written language, something more intricate and soul speaking that words, I needed art. For a long time I did not give art the credit that it deserves. Art is a Godly pursuance, it seeks to explain and feel what we cannot explain and make others feel. It can be interpreted in many different ways, yes, but in the end it is a very piece of the artist's soul, and it represents something that all of us can connect to, at one point in our lives or another. Art is not merely a canvas with abstract paint spatters on it, nor is it confided to Baroque and other classical compositions, but is literally a diverse range of human activities and the product of those activities. Cars, such as the pointy and angular Lamborghini Aventador is certainly a beautiful form of art, from its sharp angles to its burbling blast of V12 magic. A Thompson M1928 sub machine gun is art, with its very opposing and sinister look of the ribbed barrel and the connected Cutts compensator, combined with the huge bulky 50 round magazine drum, it is a very interactive (and dangerous) work of art. Hard rock, hip hop, and even rap (despite many arguments) are certainly art, in fact I know of no other art that speaks to me as music does, this blog will use plenty of playlists to demonstrate my feelings. The point I am trying to make is, is that art describes what I cannot, and so I will use it to give a much deeper connection to me and how I feel. 

     Going back to my very first statement, that "We aren't perfect." I am saying this because we all too often judge based upon how we interpret the information we are given. We judge based upon our morals and our judgement, whether or not they are truly sound or right. We call this bigotry sometimes, as well as ignorance and biased opinions, a lot of names. Funny enough though, we are ALL guilty of this. We are all hypocrites in this sense. A little depressing to think about, but totally true. I am not saying this to point fingers at one another, but instead for you to understand that me and my interpretations may not be what you think and believe, and that is totally ok. Variety is the spice of life, huh? And that is why no two human beings are the exact same. This blog is not an art critic blog, but rather a journal that uses art to better express my thoughts and feelings. Not every post will have a painting, song, poem, or other stuff. But ever post will have a couple things in common: 1. They are all my thoughts and feelings, and 2. They will all hold a sacred and reverent love for my Creator, as well as His Son, my Savior.
     The connections between every post will have my sole and beautiful testimony (whether expressed literally or symbolically or deeper) of our Heavenly Father and His plan for us, His children. I do believe in God, and I am not ashamed of it either. Honestly He is the creator of all of this art, in one way or another. I cannot do anything without Him. I admit it, and I am in fact declaring that every day! I will not preach to you, I will not push you or pressure you or guilt trip you at all to my religion and my beliefs, but I will talk of it, and if any of you have any questions, I will freely answer them.
     So there it is, my imperfect beginning, my totally flawed genesis for another blog with another idea and another plan to achieve said idea. Well, get on with it then!