Midnight

     The sun started to set on the expansive New Mexico sky, burning the calm shades of blue into deep purples, reds, and oranges. It was the end of summer, a long, tiring summer full of work and with little to show for it. I was ready to finally go about this work the way I had imagined it, and to be able to go forward and help fix myself. I had a long journey ahead of me, and I was not prepared to face my worst enemy yet.

     I had just gotten officially diagnosed with depression. I think I have always had it, but as soon as I got on the plane to Arizona I think it really snapped, and I started to spiral downward in a rate and time that was unprecedented. When I was sent to New Mexico it only dug deeper and got bigger, consuming what little I had left of any courage or care. I finally felt alone, perfectly and completely alone.
      And yet I was not alone. Far from it, I had a companion who cared deeply for me and wanted to help, who wanted to see a change in myself as well as the area, and he worked hard to help out. When finally I decided I needed help, it was him that was there for me. After my first visit with the psychiatrist, I came out of the office hugging him telling him "It's legit! I am depressed!"
     Two weeks later, that support left, and was replaced by an Elder who did not understand, nor did he care to understand the suffering I was going through. We fought, and I was blamed for a lot. We tried to make things work, and in our eyes the other was always wrong for everything. It hurt. We disagreed on so many different parts of even basic and fundamental parts of our religion and beliefs. My nametag had almost lost all of its significance because my worst enemy put the same one on every day. I did not want anything to do with that hurt and pain, I had no anticipation to be a part of the same movement that so much hatred came from.


     As the sun started to sneak behind the Florida Mountains, I found myself in the church parking lot, confused, alone, and tired. I was in our crummy little Jeep Compass, waiting for my companion to stop talking to the sisters so we could go home and I could try to cry myself to sleep. I once tried to talk with them, but it was increasingly apparent that he was usually talking about me, and did not want me to hear it, so I stayed in the car, and waited for him to finish up. They started to laugh, and bitter tears forced their way unwillingly out of me. Nothing seemed to work, and my body seemed to not repress any longer the loneliness that failed me. The sun ominously and dramatically finished its retreat into the mountain range as rage started to heat, simmer, and finally boil inside of me. I did not, could not, and should not have to endure this.
     I honestly do not remember much else of that night. It was a blur of drunken hatred. We went home and in the middle of the night I was still wide awake from the explosiveness of my rage. I walked to our little porch and sat down with a cup of hot cocoa, taking in the chilly shadows of Deming without a sun. The sounds of sirens occasionally echoed off of the otherwise quiet surroundings, and rang in my soul. In front of me laid a cold desert community in which I was visitor, a casual observer for only a few months, someone who they knew would be replaced in only a matter of time. Behind me slept another human being who could not and would not connect with me, and refused to help in any way. Everywhere was merely indifferent to me or hated me, and I couldn't tell which one hurt more. Night surrounded me, the inky black shadows started to engulf me. Not even the hot cocoa could warm that cold void that was realized inside of me. I drained the cup and burst into pitiful tears, not sure why I was feeling so alone. My life was supposed to be awesome! Sure I am not best friends with my companion, and sure I am feeling a little bit of displacement, but I have a loving family and friends who support me, and I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and His love for me... Why then, why was I feeling so... so alone? Why was my head giving me such vile thoughts about myself and others, why was I so depressed? Why couldn't I just get happier?!

 

 

The night had to grow a little darker yet before the sun would rise. The endurance test was not yet completed.

You Can Change The World

You Can Change The World

Written by Erika Kofoed, rhymed by J. Mahlon Allred

First off, I pray as you read this poem

That you will not make these principles foreign

Please, just open up your mind and heart

So you can better play your divine part

Each one of us can reach out and give 

A piece of our soul so another may live

And though our paths will intertwine

Our perspective's unique, a beauty divine

Each one of us may aid one another

From a bleak day to one full of color

To love is an absolute must

Without it who can we trust?

You see, I'm living by a new code

One that gives a far more rewarding load

It goes: "I'm better than that!"

I promise you, it's where it's at

We could make others recoil and shrink

To make us bigger, or so we may think 

Or instead we can resolve and decide

To speak of love, the heart's deep confide

Some days we need a hug and a smile

To help us remember we are worthwhile

Why not then go to others and give out

The very love we couldn't live without?

This leads us to missionary work

A divine duty none should shirk

Though another a better job may do

No other can touch a heart like you

See, you are you, a person unique

And you now hold what another still seeks

As you give, your soul will start a chain

To destroy the hate and sadness to drain

Which reminds me of a film I saw that stuck with me

That serves as an example of who we can be

It starts with the wishes of a man who passed on

Who wanted a letter mailed out that dawn

The recipient of the letter this man did not know

And where frustrated to get an object of a sum very low

The woman was given a seashell, and set it aside

And began to read what this man had to confide

It goes "Hello Mrs. Jones, I want to give back your light. 

It sounds strange, but it starts after my wife and I had a fight. 

This argument was awful, hateful poison was spoken

Defeated and angry I left her no token

I walked to the beach, discouraged and done

When I saw you, a newly wed couple, happy and young

Walking with smiles, holding hand in hand

Your husband gave you a seashell from the beach sand

Happily walking away, this shell you dropped back

I saw your exuberant love, something I did lack

Desiring what you two had, and wanting to forgive

I bought my dear wife some flowers, so our broken love could yet love

At first she refused, and shoo'd me away

But with a gentle push she accepted, I'm thankful to this day

And after many years later we together went through

I just wanted to thank you, and hope that you knew."

As she read the last words a tear dropped on the letter

She picked up the phone, knowing she could do better

"Hello my dear estranged husband, before we bid farewell,

There is one last bit of love I absolutely need to tell."

I challenge you friends, that as we go on

Even all around the world, don't forget the picture I've drawn

Whatever you do, what adventures you embrace

Remember those around you, and put a smile on their face!

And as you do this, the best example you can,

Your life will fill with joy, your heart will understand

Though a times you may ask "how can I make a difference in a sea of others?"

Remember you are you, and are like no other

Alas, I cannot write forever, my words must now end

But they will not die if your love you do send

We are all of God's children, we can all share His light

By giving our love we increase our might

Dusk Pt. 1

Dusk.

The time when the sun fades from the sky, and night takes reign. The time when there seems to be light, and yet everything is covered in shadows and darkness, hiding their true identities. A time of confusion. A time of change.

 

     It was not everyday that I woke up with bitterness in my head. It was not common for me to get from my bed more tired than I got in it, with less energy than if I had stayed up all night. It was not everyday that I had hatred in my very soul from my sorrows. But that dusk came for me, and I started to realize all too late that I was being engulfed in the very pain that I was trying to help others from. I was falling into the very darkness that I was warning others of literally all day.

     Can you spell hypocrite? I sure felt like one. I felt that I could not give to others what I myself was lacking, and though there was light and hope, it seemed to not be able to reach anything that was immediately important to me. It merely lighted the horizon, and kept the details veiled with inky, thick darkness. I was alone, and alone in the dark.

     I tried many of the remedies I had prescribed. I read the scriptures, said my prayers, tried to find peace with those who had already found some. Nothing seemed to light up the darkness though, nothing could penetrate the living shadows that covered what I so desperately needed. Waking up was a chore, and putting on my nametag, which I had fought to wear in the first place, became a weighted and almost sad affair. I felt like a fake.

     That was only the beginning as well. There would be even more struggles, my sun would seem to set all together, and I for a while lost almost all hope.

I want to emphasize the word "almost" in the last sentence.

 

     This was when life gave me lemons, and I was eating them raw and plain. This was before I started to figure out the sugar in life... Vital, it started to dawn on me, that I needed something, and something quick, to figure this out.

 

This is my conversion story, wrapped up in a four series part, each labeled as different part of the day/night cycle. The events are mostly in chronological order, and reflect some of my many personal moments that have helped me understand who I am and what I want to be. It contains some of my fears and conquers, my hatred and finding love. This is my story. This is my life.