Midnight

     The sun started to set on the expansive New Mexico sky, burning the calm shades of blue into deep purples, reds, and oranges. It was the end of summer, a long, tiring summer full of work and with little to show for it. I was ready to finally go about this work the way I had imagined it, and to be able to go forward and help fix myself. I had a long journey ahead of me, and I was not prepared to face my worst enemy yet.

     I had just gotten officially diagnosed with depression. I think I have always had it, but as soon as I got on the plane to Arizona I think it really snapped, and I started to spiral downward in a rate and time that was unprecedented. When I was sent to New Mexico it only dug deeper and got bigger, consuming what little I had left of any courage or care. I finally felt alone, perfectly and completely alone.
      And yet I was not alone. Far from it, I had a companion who cared deeply for me and wanted to help, who wanted to see a change in myself as well as the area, and he worked hard to help out. When finally I decided I needed help, it was him that was there for me. After my first visit with the psychiatrist, I came out of the office hugging him telling him "It's legit! I am depressed!"
     Two weeks later, that support left, and was replaced by an Elder who did not understand, nor did he care to understand the suffering I was going through. We fought, and I was blamed for a lot. We tried to make things work, and in our eyes the other was always wrong for everything. It hurt. We disagreed on so many different parts of even basic and fundamental parts of our religion and beliefs. My nametag had almost lost all of its significance because my worst enemy put the same one on every day. I did not want anything to do with that hurt and pain, I had no anticipation to be a part of the same movement that so much hatred came from.


     As the sun started to sneak behind the Florida Mountains, I found myself in the church parking lot, confused, alone, and tired. I was in our crummy little Jeep Compass, waiting for my companion to stop talking to the sisters so we could go home and I could try to cry myself to sleep. I once tried to talk with them, but it was increasingly apparent that he was usually talking about me, and did not want me to hear it, so I stayed in the car, and waited for him to finish up. They started to laugh, and bitter tears forced their way unwillingly out of me. Nothing seemed to work, and my body seemed to not repress any longer the loneliness that failed me. The sun ominously and dramatically finished its retreat into the mountain range as rage started to heat, simmer, and finally boil inside of me. I did not, could not, and should not have to endure this.
     I honestly do not remember much else of that night. It was a blur of drunken hatred. We went home and in the middle of the night I was still wide awake from the explosiveness of my rage. I walked to our little porch and sat down with a cup of hot cocoa, taking in the chilly shadows of Deming without a sun. The sounds of sirens occasionally echoed off of the otherwise quiet surroundings, and rang in my soul. In front of me laid a cold desert community in which I was visitor, a casual observer for only a few months, someone who they knew would be replaced in only a matter of time. Behind me slept another human being who could not and would not connect with me, and refused to help in any way. Everywhere was merely indifferent to me or hated me, and I couldn't tell which one hurt more. Night surrounded me, the inky black shadows started to engulf me. Not even the hot cocoa could warm that cold void that was realized inside of me. I drained the cup and burst into pitiful tears, not sure why I was feeling so alone. My life was supposed to be awesome! Sure I am not best friends with my companion, and sure I am feeling a little bit of displacement, but I have a loving family and friends who support me, and I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and His love for me... Why then, why was I feeling so... so alone? Why was my head giving me such vile thoughts about myself and others, why was I so depressed? Why couldn't I just get happier?!

 

 

The night had to grow a little darker yet before the sun would rise. The endurance test was not yet completed.