Random Verbal Spillages Written Down

Otherwise known as a rant.

     I like pie. No seriously, I really like pie. New Mexico is starting to cool down, what little hasn't already died is dying, and the colors have reverted to their normal cascade of beige, tan, occasional sages, and brown. The air is dry, and the wind is kicking up. It kind of reminds me of home. 

     I dream of home sometimes, it is a strange place, where things are not always patterned, where organization can be neglected, and randomness is welcomed, to an extent. It is a place that seems perfect for a dream, a place where people who love you reside, and where your friends live and interact with one another. But alas, it is only a dream, and the monotony of work starts to set in again. Time to go back out.

     But work isn't bad. It is at times mechanical, a constant search for the same thing. I heard once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. Sometimes, I feel a little insane in that regard. Sometimes insanity is the job description of my work. Search, search, search, find, try to find if lost again... Searching. A constant lookout for anything and anyone who might be interested in hearing what we have to say. Work. 

     It slightly surprised me just how much this work can take out of you, and how much it can give back, if you look for it. Again, everything is found, very rarely is anything given, and even if it is, it is simply the start of a longer, more deep search. Dig, dig dig. Who am I? Dig, and find. What am I doing here? Search, and you will see. A common phrase in the Bible is "Ask, and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you." I have grown to really live that. What is the answer to life? Ask, and ye shall receive... 

     I have recently really struggled to find out who I am. It is a very intriguing and soul searching question that cannot be taken lightly, or else you will find only the surface of yourself. For a while, that is what I did. I was a little scared to search inside of me, and so I compiled my favorite activities and thought that analyzing them would bring up some of me. Well, Star Wars, poetry, thousands of different songs, artists, and genres and other nerdiness gave me some rather hollow conclusions. I saw more of why I liked them, and saw a little bit of what I would also like, but it didn't give me how I liked them, and who I am to like those... I was still in need.

     Ask, and ye shall receive. I think many of us simply ask the question, and then sit down and wait for the glorious "aha!" moment to wake us up from our ignorance. I continually (and insanely) find that cannot be the case. I think the Bible, and Jesus Christ, in all His wisdom, asks us to also search for the answer. To ask is good, but to knock will yield real results. So, I am starting to do just that. What do I find? Honestly, I find some incredibly beautiful and destructive parts of me, parts I never knew existed.

     How can we know how strong Diamond is without testing it? The same must apply to each of us, how strong are each of us if we are never tested as well? it reminds me of a part of a poem I wrote a few months ago:

I think of those dark past times

And all of those battles I've fought

Was I able to sufficiently shine?

Or was this all for naught?

Yes, those times where quite hard

And more are quick to follow

But I must pass through this dark boulevard

To ensure that I'm not hollow

     And so with that, I started to embrace my trials, and started to kind of like the bad parts of me that came out through them. Not because I am a masochist or because I like to be in stressful situations, but because once I see the bad parts, I can start to get them out of me. Like a sword being forged from ore, the rock and impurities must be burned out. It is a stressful and sometimes very hard process, but the only one that will be able to make the metal into a useful and strong tool. I will use this time in the Refiner's fire to make sure that when I return home I will be the best person I can be. I will be humble enough to see my faults, and will be strong enough to take them on, sometimes slowly, but always working. I will rise. If you want to listen to this spirit, listen to "Arise" by E.S. Posthumous.