Though I want to move on

Though I Want To Move On

By: J. Mahlon Allred

 

I've hurt alot of people

Though I want to move on

I used to avoid the church steeple

Though I could never stay away for long

I let my pride guide my sight

Though humility is my fate

I balled my fists to fight

Though I've pursued peace as of late

 

I've caused so much pain

Though most quickly forgive

I have lusted so much to feign

Though without love we may not live

I for years have walked through night

Though I now seek for day

I'd died black this wool once white

Though it may return white through His way

The Destruction of Anger

The Destruction of Anger
By J. Mahlon Allred

As I turn to the darkening west

His bridge softly sways in the wind

I quickly strike the match for the best

Not quite sure who has sinned

These flames consume our hateful past

Though neither sparing the good

The orange black and red destroy at last

That which I deemed it should

Embers rain on the stepping planks now charred

As the support ropes begin to split

The gap between us seems so far

And I realize it is too late to quit

With the fire exhausted, the remains blew

He hesitatingly turns away

With that we depart what we once knew

Within our hearts how deep the stave

No Adventure Without Adversity

     We sometimes suffer for the actions we choose. I am not talking about the obviously bad decisions, like to have that last drink and then drive, or to smoke heroin, or steal something. I am not even talking about the simple and small bad decisions, I am actually talking about good ones. The ones that we thought would best benefit us, the ones that should have protected us and helped us up, not hurt us.
    I was recently struck by a converted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who when I asked his story, said after he converted he got bone cancer, most of his family left him, and his fiancee broke up with him, oh, and he lost his job too. He said he knew that what he was doing was bringing him closer to God, but he had no idea that it would also really rock his world, as if giving up the things he did wasn't quite enough for Heavenly Father.
     The interesting bit is how he talks about those past times. Surrounded by his kid and wife in his house after returning from his favorite job ever, he looks back rather introspective and happy. "I knew that though my world was upside down, that this road I signed up was not easy, but that is was worth it."
     LDS missionaries and culture like a little saying we pass around. It is Jesus Christ saying to us "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." Almost word for word. Sometimes we take that to what we voluntarily give up, like Television and home and girlfriends, but I think we have a bigger problem facing the trials and problems that where not anticipated nor part of what we thought we signed up for. Those are the real sacrifices though, for me it was MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder. The last thing I thought I needed was a mental problem, something that would further deteriorate my battered reputation and reliability. I wanted to give up. It would have been easier to give up in the short run, but I see now, just as that sweet convert sees, that it is for our eternal benefit that we go through immensely trying hardships.
     My mother was abused by her drunk father. He would beat her and yell at her, and all sorts of incredibly sad and gut wrenching things to my mother. I can't imagine the scarring pain and feelings that she goes through, and I see some of the effects of it. She did not sign up for that one bit, and yet she talks of her father, my grandfather, quite fondly sometimes. I do not know if she has or even can fully forgive him, but I know she is working hard on it, and that she tells good stories of him more often than anything else. She has been such a wonderful example to me of what painful experiences don't have to make us suffer. She is a happy and loving mother of three children who are out and about with ambitions and work (more so the other two...)
     I have had friends tell me they too where abused, or where too poor to afford milk, or had mental illnesses. All of these people have had great pain, and like me, have been tempted to quit and give up and to run away. I know that the pain is so confusing and penetrates so much of us. I do not mean to focus on the negative, but it is important to address. When I was not happy, pretending to be happy only made things worse. We need to address these problems within ourselves, and take the steps to become ok with who we are and what we are going through. I am not saying that we must take ourselves out of our situation, that may not be possible, but I am saying that we need to release our negative and sad feelings and replace them with hope.
    Doctrine and Covenants section 50 verses 23 and 24 say an interesting thing about this: "That which is of God is light; and he that recieveth light and continueth in God, recieveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day. And again, verily I say unto you, and I say it that you may know the truth, that you may chase darkness from among you."
     Well, at first it seems a little vague, but take a closer look. Often when we are going through hard times we are surrounded by darkness. We can't see why, how, and sometimes even what happened. Confusion and panic reign without competition unless we let light in. Science says that darkness cannot exist with light. Only in the absence of light can darkness reign. When we take our trubles to light, and we accept that we need help, then we are starting to get back on the road to being happy. For different situations this means different things. For some, bringing it to 'light' means merely accepting the fact that they are unhappy, no other actions are necessary. For others, it may mean turning to a friend or two, or getting counseling. There is one constant though, and this is the true key to really getting better: if we take our troubles to God then we will heal.

Confessions of a healing heart

To employ and to feel

My faith is to find

My love is to seal

I must play my divine part

Because to fear is to hide

November 16, 2012

The Atonement Room

By J. Mahlon Allred

 

One the large center of the M.C.

The third floor tower looms

I almost gave up all that made me

In that atonement room

 

Each tear on my cheek burns like a fire

As I think of my so-called dear

It was with her in this room I unlocked my desire

And out escaped my worst fear

 

The cold concrete floor now bare

Devoid of any old heart

So quickly its lifeless chill does it share

Testifying my damning part

 

The ache of fear, the sting of regret

Echo these hollow walls

Alone I drink the pain my actions beget

My dark past passion's call

 

The scenes so quickly I recall

Painfully clear and vivid

Reminds of how hard I did fall

The trauma made my heart livid

 

With a bruise in my heart and a cut in my soul

I see what I did for this doom

Though my actions have passed, I'm still in this hole

Because this is the atonement room

 

A consequence for every action

A price is paid for each choice

But to Jesus, this pain is but a fraction

And in Him we are to rejoice

Revival 1: Release

      This is a repeat post from my first blog, Immortal Combat. I liked the lesson enough and want to add some updated thoughts on the bottom.

     I was a huge fan of Ian Flemming's original James Bond series (which later where turned into movies that the world now knows) and though I will talk more about them in my "Inspiring Jake Allred" series, I want to explain a small part of the book Casino Royal.
     Bond wins. He gets the villian, wins the money, and gets the girl. The girl's name is Vesper, and they are madly in love, though the relationship is incredibly abusive on both sides. They only have a physical attraction toward one another, and it shows. They fight often. Vesper one day then commits suicide after signing the money to the Soviets, the very people that Bond was trying to protect the money from. Vesper betrayed him, not to mention her own country. Bond had come to "love" her, or rather an imaginary her, and this was affecting him and his work. When Bond reports back to his headquarters in London, his boss inquires immidiately about him and her, to which Bond says one line, (pardon me for my french, just quoting) "The bitch is dead."
     Bond moves on from her. She is dead, and the problem is being solved, and now Bond never trusts. He was too close to love her and still go on with his mission, with his duty that was incredibly important. He realized this, and it was not so much that he was sad she was gone, it was that he had so easily fallen into that trap. He would never do that again.
     Of course, because she was dead it was much easier for him to forget her, but that does not always happen when we are ridding ourselves of distractions and roadblocks from our passage. We may frequently see or hear our problem. It may be outside everywhere you go, heck it may be your roommate. However, I like to think that Bond is on to something with what he did. He remembered the lesson and forgot the details. He started to become a man of principles (though funny enough his principles where really quite worldly and destructive) instead of a man of circumstance.
     I was a man of circumstance. I was awful, and had really been blown away by my stupidity. I was ignorant to my work, and I lost it. Just like Bond, I lost everything that I had worked so hard to get and keep. But now it is my turn to say it, to finally cleanse my hands of this awful situation and to rise above the uncertainties, the memories, and the pain.
     Release. I will destroy the part of me that should not be there, the imaginary part that is still addicted to my problems. The imaginary "get rich quick" schemes that I fell in love with. I can't shortcut anything, not love, not experience, not intelligence, nothing. Only through experience and work can I become what I need to become, and do the things I need to do. It is the only way I can become, and stay, free.
     We have rules and regulations because our Heavenly Father knows how we will be happy. We will not be happy when we go to those dark paths, and he cannot follow us there to help us. He knows this, and He wants us to be happy, so that is what we must do. When we tamper with them, nothing good comes out. I can testify of that, coming from experience. I am not sad about breaking my mistake, I am sad about making the mistake, regardless of when or who with.
     But that ends. Now. My past allowed me to not be prepared for such a situation, and my present is now damaged because of it. What am I doing now to ensure that my future does not suffer the same, similar, or in general any mistake?
     Preparation. That is the only way I can do that. The only way I can become emotionally stable is if I work hard and do not dwell on what I did, only what I have done about it. The mistake will never be remade, but the feelings can be recreated, and lust can find its way pretty quickly back into us. How will I prepare to ensure I never do this again?

    Forget yourself and go to work.

Updated Thoughts:

     All too many times I find myself wanting something enough to justify compromising my ideals to have it. It may be small and seemingly insignificant, but that quickly grows. If we become men and women of principle instead of circumstance, we will be able to use patience and love and care into the situation and become stronger. My Father gave me an incredible quote from Robert Bolt's A Man for All Seasons:

     "But look now, if we lived a state where virtue was profitable, common sense would make us good, and greed would make us saintly, and we'd live like animals or angels, in a happy land that needs no heroes... But since in fact we see that avarice, anger, envy, pride, lust, sloth and stupidity commonly profit beyond humility, chastity, fortitude, justice and thought, and have to choose to be humans at all.... why then we perhaps must stand fast a little, even at the risk of being heroes."

Sir Thomas Moore.

     Sadly, being good is not always easy, but it never was supposed to be easy. Why would we even be here to choose good if good was easiest? So to be men and women of circumstance will merely occasionally be "good" only because the situation permits it. So then, if we want to become the best people we can possibly be, we need to live by principles, morals, and honor. 

Truth

     I am a theatrical person. I am rather dramatic, and lively, and that causes me to get into all sorts of kinds of problems. It has also helped spring forth some of the best relationships I could ever know. These are the colors of red, the friends and family who stand behind me, cheering me on. These are the colors of red, those who stand beside me, helping me when I cannot help myself. These are the colors of red, the family that so patiently waits in front of me, waiting for me to return.
     This is the beauty of the few, as I say so often in the simple rhymie poetry that I make. The beauty of those few people who seem to always be a constant in your life. Much like the standalone episode of Lost titled "The Constant." The beauty lies in the inseparable moments that end all too soon yet never leave the memory, those times that immortally end yet are constantly relived in dreams. Those people whom you keep sharing such beautiful and happy times with.
     "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." From this quote by an unknown person I find total and complete truth. Most of the happiest times of my life can be counted on one hand the hours, days, or even seconds that they lasted. Few if any have lasted very long at all, but that is what makes them beautiful. Some well accomplished artists and mathematicians have said "True beauty is perfectly proportional" though there is never a real set equation for such. Many people seem to bicker about how faces and bodies then need to be perfect in their eyes to be beautiful, but how I see it is totally different. I see it as the few moments of perfection added to many moments of mortality. It creates what we are: fallen children of God with divine potential. The proportions are beautifully and gloriously correct. So for me, it is not how skinny and perfectly aligned our bodies may or may not be, but instead relative to the time as well as the person's deepest thoughts and expectations that this better applies. Sounds a little crazy? Maybe, but to me it makes sense. Proportions to people's priorities is a beauty, if that person has their priorities straight. They will preform beautiful actions, and spread that happy beauty all around them. That is beauty, that is pure incredible Divine love shown. Beauty is love.
     Beauty is all too commonly associated with lust though. We measure only the superficial outside of ourselves, disregarding or even damaging the precious, beautiful inward thoughts and innards of the soul. As President Grover so beautifully stated once "That which is forever is real, and that which is not forever is not real." Applying this to beauty and what I was saying, this means that the outer beauty, though pleasing and a part of that person's identity, is not real because it is always changing. To me, I like most of my outer appearances. I am comfortable with my sometimes goofy face with its wild expressions. I love dressing myself up and going out to talk to people and socialize. I understand that my face and my body are an integral and critical part of me, and therefore its image is too, but the fact that I will grow old, hairy and wrinkly changes the focus from only the outside to then the inside, and what I am doing with it. Lust is not real, and falling for lust will never be real. Sadly though, the consequences are all too real.
     Sitting in this rather loud and busy library, I reflect all of the people around me. Funny enough when you are serving other people you really start to care about them, but not just them, others as well. People you have never even heard of before, and may never hear of again, steal your heart and affection as you help them try to find a better life. There is no lust, no gain, arguably only loss, and yet, true love starts for them. You wish them the best possible, and you sometimes lose sleep over their welfare. True love.
     I am learning to love this true love. I am really enjoying waking up missing the people I love. I am very pleasently surprised when I get to talk or hear from those people, and I love the hope that I will see them again. True love.

What is truth?

The honesty of love

Heavy as air

Though light if you so dare