Mercury

Mercury

By Sleeping At Last

 

Rows of houses,
Sound asleep.
Only street lights
Notice me.

I am desperate,
If nothing else,
In a holding pattern
To find myself.

I talk in circles,
I talk in circles,
I watch for signals,
For a clue.

How to feel different.
How to feel new.
Like science fiction
Bending truth.

No one can unring this bell,
Unsound this alarm, unbreak my heart new.
God knows, I am dissonance
Waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune.

I’ll go anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want me.

I know the further I go,
The harder I try, only keeps my eyes closed.
And somehow I’ve fallen in love
With this middle ground at the cost of my soul.

Yet I know, if I stepped aside,
Released the controls, you would open my eyes.
That somehow, all of this mess
Is just an attempt to know the worth of my life…

...made of precious metals,
Precious metals,
Precious metals inside.

I’ll go anywhere you want me

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJsF7sHpaPs

Departure II

Absence makes the heart grow stronger.

-Unknown

     Home? No, not now. Just a place I once lived. Just an area where I found friends, good times, bad times, and a lot of soul searching. But home? No, not home. Why? Because home just moved. Again. The beauty of the hardships is that in order to become strong, we must be tested. Part of that is being moved. Part of that is letting go of everyone and everything because your love for God is far greater and stronger. God will not let you abandon your family, quite the opposite, but as the quote above says, it must be because I have not yet understood the meaning of true love. I will learn this again and again, and again. It is a part of my life.

     It is miserable and magical at the same time! Have you ever wanted to just start over? New area, new friends, new life? Well, I get to do that every 6 weeks to 6 months. For better or for worse. Every missionary does. And that is the beauty of it all. To me, it is a way to perfect myself, like a twisted real life version of Groundhog day and reincarnation combined. I get to restart. 

     I am very sad to leave New Mexico right now. It really grew on me, and I learned so much here. I learned that I had MDD, I learned how to try to stop it, I did a ton of soul searching and rising from ashes... Again and again I was helped by many others. New Mexico was the start of my true repentance and my real path to learning how to live. I have been pretty successful faking it for a while, but now it is time to truly live. To become passionate about what I get to do, what I have paid to do, what I have been asked to do, and to do it the absolute best that I can. Now is my chance. I cant help but feel a little sad about leaving this wonderful place, this home away from home, but I also know that I am needed elsewhere, that I get to really be able to help others again. 

 

     So here I am, on this bus going from the middle of nowhere to the middle of nowhere, the various tans, browns and beige's cast from the dead New Mexico scaping the way. It's impossible to not shed a tear as the bus mercilessly continues its path away from my second home, but it is a mere testament to my love for the people of Deming.

    

 

Goodbye.

 

     It seems that my life as of late has really only been one departure to the next, with only enough time to get to know and love the place before. It is strangely exciting in a morbid kind of way, your heart grows weary at the sight of new faces and places all the time, and yet you cannot wait to just get out and see it all.

     I mentioned Groundhog Day (the movie) and how I kind of feel a connection to it. I really do, it seems that every time I get to restart, I get to work on the failures I had and change them to successes. It is strangely satisfying to have that opportunity, to get... closure. Though unlike Groundhog Day I do not have the benefit of having everyone think it was all only in one day, it is a whole lifetime. I was doodling around with some good old verse, and was struck by something I wrote a few months ago:

 

The pains of cleansing

Refreshes and renews

Assaulted with sensing

My small heart grew

 

     When we feel pain, it makes the times that we feel joy so much the greater. I love the quote "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." by unknown. A life is a journey, not an outcome. We are not judged in the end by what we did, but by what we bacame. Who we bacame. What we stood up for and why, and that takes time and practice. That takes tests and wisdom, which is only earned by trials and tough situations. One of my trials is learning to better get along with people, and trying to better myself through helping and seeing others. That means keeping me on my toes by cutting off my comforts. It is beautiful, like I said, in that slightly depressing way. Weary goodbyes are soon replaced with lovely hellos. It is just how life works, even we if we do not meet again this side of Heaven, God be with you till we meet again, friend. 

Grey

Grey

By J. Mahlon Allred

My, how the madness of confusion settles!

No longer this seems a struggle for dark or light

Continually pressed onward, my faults now meddle

For these shades of grey we seems now to fight

Manias of distortions, this war is but exceptions

Right and wrong accusingly finding loopholes

In the end, who is right in these deceptions

Or are we both condemned to the darkness so cold?

Yes, I think so, but we seem not to halt

The bitterness so evident in our lies

We always try to make one at whole fault

Instead of commending one another's tries

We make mistakes, of that I am certain, 

But yet we refuse to overlook

Continuing the segregation of this great curtain

It seems we have eternally forsook

The insanity of uncertainty, a continual ache

Begins to gnaw at my soul

I started to estrange from my masterful plan I did make

After I saw my heart full of holes



The Night Has A Thousand Eyes by Francis William Bourdillon

The Night Has A Thousand Eyes

By: Francis William Bourdillon

 

The night has a thousand eyes,

And the day but one;

Yet the light of the bright world dies

With the dying sun.

 

The mind has a thousand eyes,

The heart but one;

Yet the light of a whole life dies

When love is done.


Finding Faith to Find

     One of the greatest horror and thriller writers of all time, Stephen King, once wrote about the art of horror and fear. About this he specifically said "Nightmares exist outside of logic. There is little fun to be had in explanations. Answers are antithetical to the poetry of fear."
     According to this, then, our fears, though are very real and pressing to us, may in fact be a simple figment of our imagination. But even more interesting than that is that they are scary to us because we do not know what will happen. The ending, and the outcome is a mystery to us, and because of that we cannot find any comfort knowing how great or little the chances are for coming out of this alive and well. The answer is hidden from us, and we sometimes cloud up the answer because we fail to recognize that sometimes things are more simple than we think.
     I am absolutely this way. It is where my depression and my Anxiety come from, the inability to see the solution, and the masochistic side of me almost doesn't want an answer. It seems almost as if it is an excuse to fail. "Oh, there was no answer, and because of that there was no way to win. I had to lose."

Sounds logical, right?

     And granted, in a world of fear and with the sight of fear, it is logical. We cannot win every time, and so I suppose we will win none of the time. It reminds me of the whole "Realism" genre in writing. Realism is anything sad and wrong and bad that could possibly happen. It is a direct contradiction to the too happy and unrealistically hopeful Romanticism movement earlier before the Civil War in the early 1860s. Realism is a very dark beauty that focuses on everything bad in our life. The logic is that we cannot win every battle, and so when we do win those few battles that we will be happier than if we had expected success. That may in fact be true. I knew it to be the case for a little while. My victories, though small, where unexpected, which gave an interesting sense of hope.

But wait, isn't that contradictory to Fear, skepticism and pessimism?

    Why yes, yes it is. One of the interesting flaws of pessimism is that it is merely a watered down and less hopeful version of optimism. It is simply a hopeless man's way of getting hope, though it is done in such a less effective and more destructive way. Fear operates outside of true logic. Fear blinds us, and tries to keep us blind, while telling us that the dark isn't such a bad place, and that there is a kind of strange beauty in being blind.

     Well guess what? I am sick of the dark. I am sick of not knowing, of being too scared to ask because I just might be rejected. I am sick of being in the actually one sided "neutral" ground. This is hope. If fear and faith are opposites, and if Stephen King is right, then Answers must be the very essence of faith. Yes, when we excersize faith and hope, we are constantly looking for the answer, and we know that one day or another we will know it. One day, I will understand. Even if it doesn't happen the way I wanted it to, or if things work out for the worse right now, things will ultimately become better.

     Now, this isn't to be confused with the wishy washy world of Romanticism. Life is rough, and hard times will come. We will constantly be "purged" of our weaknesses by confronting them. Expecting and realizing this is key to become one of faith rather than one of fear. We also must realize that hard work and failiures are to be expected, though success must also be expected if we are to push ourselves to work hard. If we want to change the world, we must first show the world that we want change, and as Ghandi once said "Become the change you want to see in the world."

     I know that this is good and true. I know that even when we are in the darkest and worst of nightmares that one day the sun will gloriously rise. I cannot really explain how I know this except that I tried it out. You too, can know and feel of this beautiful faith and love that I have, all you have to do is let it in. I found it through Jesus Christ and His sacrifice for us. I found through Him and His eternal love for us, that we can become clean and ultimately happy one day, even if that day is not today, or even tomorrow. I know that it will come though, and I invite you to also learn if faith works. Unless you take a step from the dark, how can you ever know?

Though I want to move on

Though I Want To Move On

By: J. Mahlon Allred

 

I've hurt alot of people

Though I want to move on

I used to avoid the church steeple

Though I could never stay away for long

I let my pride guide my sight

Though humility is my fate

I balled my fists to fight

Though I've pursued peace as of late

 

I've caused so much pain

Though most quickly forgive

I have lusted so much to feign

Though without love we may not live

I for years have walked through night

Though I now seek for day

I'd died black this wool once white

Though it may return white through His way

The Destruction of Anger

The Destruction of Anger
By J. Mahlon Allred

As I turn to the darkening west

His bridge softly sways in the wind

I quickly strike the match for the best

Not quite sure who has sinned

These flames consume our hateful past

Though neither sparing the good

The orange black and red destroy at last

That which I deemed it should

Embers rain on the stepping planks now charred

As the support ropes begin to split

The gap between us seems so far

And I realize it is too late to quit

With the fire exhausted, the remains blew

He hesitatingly turns away

With that we depart what we once knew

Within our hearts how deep the stave

No Adventure Without Adversity

     We sometimes suffer for the actions we choose. I am not talking about the obviously bad decisions, like to have that last drink and then drive, or to smoke heroin, or steal something. I am not even talking about the simple and small bad decisions, I am actually talking about good ones. The ones that we thought would best benefit us, the ones that should have protected us and helped us up, not hurt us.
    I was recently struck by a converted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who when I asked his story, said after he converted he got bone cancer, most of his family left him, and his fiancee broke up with him, oh, and he lost his job too. He said he knew that what he was doing was bringing him closer to God, but he had no idea that it would also really rock his world, as if giving up the things he did wasn't quite enough for Heavenly Father.
     The interesting bit is how he talks about those past times. Surrounded by his kid and wife in his house after returning from his favorite job ever, he looks back rather introspective and happy. "I knew that though my world was upside down, that this road I signed up was not easy, but that is was worth it."
     LDS missionaries and culture like a little saying we pass around. It is Jesus Christ saying to us "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." Almost word for word. Sometimes we take that to what we voluntarily give up, like Television and home and girlfriends, but I think we have a bigger problem facing the trials and problems that where not anticipated nor part of what we thought we signed up for. Those are the real sacrifices though, for me it was MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder. The last thing I thought I needed was a mental problem, something that would further deteriorate my battered reputation and reliability. I wanted to give up. It would have been easier to give up in the short run, but I see now, just as that sweet convert sees, that it is for our eternal benefit that we go through immensely trying hardships.
     My mother was abused by her drunk father. He would beat her and yell at her, and all sorts of incredibly sad and gut wrenching things to my mother. I can't imagine the scarring pain and feelings that she goes through, and I see some of the effects of it. She did not sign up for that one bit, and yet she talks of her father, my grandfather, quite fondly sometimes. I do not know if she has or even can fully forgive him, but I know she is working hard on it, and that she tells good stories of him more often than anything else. She has been such a wonderful example to me of what painful experiences don't have to make us suffer. She is a happy and loving mother of three children who are out and about with ambitions and work (more so the other two...)
     I have had friends tell me they too where abused, or where too poor to afford milk, or had mental illnesses. All of these people have had great pain, and like me, have been tempted to quit and give up and to run away. I know that the pain is so confusing and penetrates so much of us. I do not mean to focus on the negative, but it is important to address. When I was not happy, pretending to be happy only made things worse. We need to address these problems within ourselves, and take the steps to become ok with who we are and what we are going through. I am not saying that we must take ourselves out of our situation, that may not be possible, but I am saying that we need to release our negative and sad feelings and replace them with hope.
    Doctrine and Covenants section 50 verses 23 and 24 say an interesting thing about this: "That which is of God is light; and he that recieveth light and continueth in God, recieveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day. And again, verily I say unto you, and I say it that you may know the truth, that you may chase darkness from among you."
     Well, at first it seems a little vague, but take a closer look. Often when we are going through hard times we are surrounded by darkness. We can't see why, how, and sometimes even what happened. Confusion and panic reign without competition unless we let light in. Science says that darkness cannot exist with light. Only in the absence of light can darkness reign. When we take our trubles to light, and we accept that we need help, then we are starting to get back on the road to being happy. For different situations this means different things. For some, bringing it to 'light' means merely accepting the fact that they are unhappy, no other actions are necessary. For others, it may mean turning to a friend or two, or getting counseling. There is one constant though, and this is the true key to really getting better: if we take our troubles to God then we will heal.

Confessions of a healing heart

To employ and to feel

My faith is to find

My love is to seal

I must play my divine part

Because to fear is to hide

November 16, 2012

The Atonement Room

By J. Mahlon Allred

 

One the large center of the M.C.

The third floor tower looms

I almost gave up all that made me

In that atonement room

 

Each tear on my cheek burns like a fire

As I think of my so-called dear

It was with her in this room I unlocked my desire

And out escaped my worst fear

 

The cold concrete floor now bare

Devoid of any old heart

So quickly its lifeless chill does it share

Testifying my damning part

 

The ache of fear, the sting of regret

Echo these hollow walls

Alone I drink the pain my actions beget

My dark past passion's call

 

The scenes so quickly I recall

Painfully clear and vivid

Reminds of how hard I did fall

The trauma made my heart livid

 

With a bruise in my heart and a cut in my soul

I see what I did for this doom

Though my actions have passed, I'm still in this hole

Because this is the atonement room

 

A consequence for every action

A price is paid for each choice

But to Jesus, this pain is but a fraction

And in Him we are to rejoice

Revival 1: Release

      This is a repeat post from my first blog, Immortal Combat. I liked the lesson enough and want to add some updated thoughts on the bottom.

     I was a huge fan of Ian Flemming's original James Bond series (which later where turned into movies that the world now knows) and though I will talk more about them in my "Inspiring Jake Allred" series, I want to explain a small part of the book Casino Royal.
     Bond wins. He gets the villian, wins the money, and gets the girl. The girl's name is Vesper, and they are madly in love, though the relationship is incredibly abusive on both sides. They only have a physical attraction toward one another, and it shows. They fight often. Vesper one day then commits suicide after signing the money to the Soviets, the very people that Bond was trying to protect the money from. Vesper betrayed him, not to mention her own country. Bond had come to "love" her, or rather an imaginary her, and this was affecting him and his work. When Bond reports back to his headquarters in London, his boss inquires immidiately about him and her, to which Bond says one line, (pardon me for my french, just quoting) "The bitch is dead."
     Bond moves on from her. She is dead, and the problem is being solved, and now Bond never trusts. He was too close to love her and still go on with his mission, with his duty that was incredibly important. He realized this, and it was not so much that he was sad she was gone, it was that he had so easily fallen into that trap. He would never do that again.
     Of course, because she was dead it was much easier for him to forget her, but that does not always happen when we are ridding ourselves of distractions and roadblocks from our passage. We may frequently see or hear our problem. It may be outside everywhere you go, heck it may be your roommate. However, I like to think that Bond is on to something with what he did. He remembered the lesson and forgot the details. He started to become a man of principles (though funny enough his principles where really quite worldly and destructive) instead of a man of circumstance.
     I was a man of circumstance. I was awful, and had really been blown away by my stupidity. I was ignorant to my work, and I lost it. Just like Bond, I lost everything that I had worked so hard to get and keep. But now it is my turn to say it, to finally cleanse my hands of this awful situation and to rise above the uncertainties, the memories, and the pain.
     Release. I will destroy the part of me that should not be there, the imaginary part that is still addicted to my problems. The imaginary "get rich quick" schemes that I fell in love with. I can't shortcut anything, not love, not experience, not intelligence, nothing. Only through experience and work can I become what I need to become, and do the things I need to do. It is the only way I can become, and stay, free.
     We have rules and regulations because our Heavenly Father knows how we will be happy. We will not be happy when we go to those dark paths, and he cannot follow us there to help us. He knows this, and He wants us to be happy, so that is what we must do. When we tamper with them, nothing good comes out. I can testify of that, coming from experience. I am not sad about breaking my mistake, I am sad about making the mistake, regardless of when or who with.
     But that ends. Now. My past allowed me to not be prepared for such a situation, and my present is now damaged because of it. What am I doing now to ensure that my future does not suffer the same, similar, or in general any mistake?
     Preparation. That is the only way I can do that. The only way I can become emotionally stable is if I work hard and do not dwell on what I did, only what I have done about it. The mistake will never be remade, but the feelings can be recreated, and lust can find its way pretty quickly back into us. How will I prepare to ensure I never do this again?

    Forget yourself and go to work.

Updated Thoughts:

     All too many times I find myself wanting something enough to justify compromising my ideals to have it. It may be small and seemingly insignificant, but that quickly grows. If we become men and women of principle instead of circumstance, we will be able to use patience and love and care into the situation and become stronger. My Father gave me an incredible quote from Robert Bolt's A Man for All Seasons:

     "But look now, if we lived a state where virtue was profitable, common sense would make us good, and greed would make us saintly, and we'd live like animals or angels, in a happy land that needs no heroes... But since in fact we see that avarice, anger, envy, pride, lust, sloth and stupidity commonly profit beyond humility, chastity, fortitude, justice and thought, and have to choose to be humans at all.... why then we perhaps must stand fast a little, even at the risk of being heroes."

Sir Thomas Moore.

     Sadly, being good is not always easy, but it never was supposed to be easy. Why would we even be here to choose good if good was easiest? So to be men and women of circumstance will merely occasionally be "good" only because the situation permits it. So then, if we want to become the best people we can possibly be, we need to live by principles, morals, and honor. 

Truth

     I am a theatrical person. I am rather dramatic, and lively, and that causes me to get into all sorts of kinds of problems. It has also helped spring forth some of the best relationships I could ever know. These are the colors of red, the friends and family who stand behind me, cheering me on. These are the colors of red, those who stand beside me, helping me when I cannot help myself. These are the colors of red, the family that so patiently waits in front of me, waiting for me to return.
     This is the beauty of the few, as I say so often in the simple rhymie poetry that I make. The beauty of those few people who seem to always be a constant in your life. Much like the standalone episode of Lost titled "The Constant." The beauty lies in the inseparable moments that end all too soon yet never leave the memory, those times that immortally end yet are constantly relived in dreams. Those people whom you keep sharing such beautiful and happy times with.
     "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." From this quote by an unknown person I find total and complete truth. Most of the happiest times of my life can be counted on one hand the hours, days, or even seconds that they lasted. Few if any have lasted very long at all, but that is what makes them beautiful. Some well accomplished artists and mathematicians have said "True beauty is perfectly proportional" though there is never a real set equation for such. Many people seem to bicker about how faces and bodies then need to be perfect in their eyes to be beautiful, but how I see it is totally different. I see it as the few moments of perfection added to many moments of mortality. It creates what we are: fallen children of God with divine potential. The proportions are beautifully and gloriously correct. So for me, it is not how skinny and perfectly aligned our bodies may or may not be, but instead relative to the time as well as the person's deepest thoughts and expectations that this better applies. Sounds a little crazy? Maybe, but to me it makes sense. Proportions to people's priorities is a beauty, if that person has their priorities straight. They will preform beautiful actions, and spread that happy beauty all around them. That is beauty, that is pure incredible Divine love shown. Beauty is love.
     Beauty is all too commonly associated with lust though. We measure only the superficial outside of ourselves, disregarding or even damaging the precious, beautiful inward thoughts and innards of the soul. As President Grover so beautifully stated once "That which is forever is real, and that which is not forever is not real." Applying this to beauty and what I was saying, this means that the outer beauty, though pleasing and a part of that person's identity, is not real because it is always changing. To me, I like most of my outer appearances. I am comfortable with my sometimes goofy face with its wild expressions. I love dressing myself up and going out to talk to people and socialize. I understand that my face and my body are an integral and critical part of me, and therefore its image is too, but the fact that I will grow old, hairy and wrinkly changes the focus from only the outside to then the inside, and what I am doing with it. Lust is not real, and falling for lust will never be real. Sadly though, the consequences are all too real.
     Sitting in this rather loud and busy library, I reflect all of the people around me. Funny enough when you are serving other people you really start to care about them, but not just them, others as well. People you have never even heard of before, and may never hear of again, steal your heart and affection as you help them try to find a better life. There is no lust, no gain, arguably only loss, and yet, true love starts for them. You wish them the best possible, and you sometimes lose sleep over their welfare. True love.
     I am learning to love this true love. I am really enjoying waking up missing the people I love. I am very pleasently surprised when I get to talk or hear from those people, and I love the hope that I will see them again. True love.

What is truth?

The honesty of love

Heavy as air

Though light if you so dare



How Did You Die?

How Did You Die?

By: Edmund Vance Cooke

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way

With a resolute heart and cheerful?

Or hide your face from the light of day

With a craven soul and fearful?

Oh, a trouble's a ton, a trouble's an ounce

Or a trouble is what you make it,

And it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,

But only how did you take it?

You are beaten to earth? Well, well what's that!

Come up with a smiling face.

It's nothing against you to fall down flat,

But to lie there - That's disgrace!

The harder you're thrown, why the higher you bounce

Be proud of your blackened eye!

It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts;

It's how did you fight - and why?

And though you be done to the death, what then?

If you battled the best you could,

If you played your part in the world of men,

Why, the critic will call it good.

Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,

And whether he's slow or spry

It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,

But only how did you die?

Random Verbal Spillages Written Down

Otherwise known as a rant.

     I like pie. No seriously, I really like pie. New Mexico is starting to cool down, what little hasn't already died is dying, and the colors have reverted to their normal cascade of beige, tan, occasional sages, and brown. The air is dry, and the wind is kicking up. It kind of reminds me of home. 

     I dream of home sometimes, it is a strange place, where things are not always patterned, where organization can be neglected, and randomness is welcomed, to an extent. It is a place that seems perfect for a dream, a place where people who love you reside, and where your friends live and interact with one another. But alas, it is only a dream, and the monotony of work starts to set in again. Time to go back out.

     But work isn't bad. It is at times mechanical, a constant search for the same thing. I heard once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. Sometimes, I feel a little insane in that regard. Sometimes insanity is the job description of my work. Search, search, search, find, try to find if lost again... Searching. A constant lookout for anything and anyone who might be interested in hearing what we have to say. Work. 

     It slightly surprised me just how much this work can take out of you, and how much it can give back, if you look for it. Again, everything is found, very rarely is anything given, and even if it is, it is simply the start of a longer, more deep search. Dig, dig dig. Who am I? Dig, and find. What am I doing here? Search, and you will see. A common phrase in the Bible is "Ask, and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you." I have grown to really live that. What is the answer to life? Ask, and ye shall receive... 

     I have recently really struggled to find out who I am. It is a very intriguing and soul searching question that cannot be taken lightly, or else you will find only the surface of yourself. For a while, that is what I did. I was a little scared to search inside of me, and so I compiled my favorite activities and thought that analyzing them would bring up some of me. Well, Star Wars, poetry, thousands of different songs, artists, and genres and other nerdiness gave me some rather hollow conclusions. I saw more of why I liked them, and saw a little bit of what I would also like, but it didn't give me how I liked them, and who I am to like those... I was still in need.

     Ask, and ye shall receive. I think many of us simply ask the question, and then sit down and wait for the glorious "aha!" moment to wake us up from our ignorance. I continually (and insanely) find that cannot be the case. I think the Bible, and Jesus Christ, in all His wisdom, asks us to also search for the answer. To ask is good, but to knock will yield real results. So, I am starting to do just that. What do I find? Honestly, I find some incredibly beautiful and destructive parts of me, parts I never knew existed.

     How can we know how strong Diamond is without testing it? The same must apply to each of us, how strong are each of us if we are never tested as well? it reminds me of a part of a poem I wrote a few months ago:

I think of those dark past times

And all of those battles I've fought

Was I able to sufficiently shine?

Or was this all for naught?

Yes, those times where quite hard

And more are quick to follow

But I must pass through this dark boulevard

To ensure that I'm not hollow

     And so with that, I started to embrace my trials, and started to kind of like the bad parts of me that came out through them. Not because I am a masochist or because I like to be in stressful situations, but because once I see the bad parts, I can start to get them out of me. Like a sword being forged from ore, the rock and impurities must be burned out. It is a stressful and sometimes very hard process, but the only one that will be able to make the metal into a useful and strong tool. I will use this time in the Refiner's fire to make sure that when I return home I will be the best person I can be. I will be humble enough to see my faults, and will be strong enough to take them on, sometimes slowly, but always working. I will rise. If you want to listen to this spirit, listen to "Arise" by E.S. Posthumous.

Blemished Inception

Blemished Inception:

Another flawed genesis

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

     -Unknown

     We aren't perfect. Kind of a funny way to start a new blog, but it is true. I am not asking you to excuse my imperfections and my mistakes, but instead to see that we are all imperfect, and that we are all just a fraction of what we can become. 

     A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder as well as Severe Anxiety, and it came to me as a shock. I thought I was happy enough, and my doubts and sadness I thought was merely a normal experience, and yet I always knew it was a little deeper, it hurt me a little more, than it should have. Great, so I have this problem, and I need to learn how to cope with it, and to be able to still lead a happy, hopeful and successful life and hopefully one day raise a family. So, I started by posting a couple other posts on my first blog, Immortal Combat: Fighting the Natural Man, but it was too narrow of a field for me to roam in, my thoughts had to be confined to the thoughts of me conquering myself, which is to say the least, tiring and boring at times. So I made a new blog, one that will truly become a journal and a record of my thoughts and my feelings, a way for me to explain myself and to examine myself closely so that I can become the best human being I am capable of. Why is this public? Because I would like to maybe help others in my journey too, to have them avoid some of the pitfalls I have fallen into, and to be able to learn from me.

     I have for a long time thought about how on earth I will be able to do this. How can I explain the intricate and fragile substance of my soul, and have other people understand it? I can write decently enough, but not well enough to tackle such a grand and ambitious idea. No, I needed something more pure than written language, something more intricate and soul speaking that words, I needed art. For a long time I did not give art the credit that it deserves. Art is a Godly pursuance, it seeks to explain and feel what we cannot explain and make others feel. It can be interpreted in many different ways, yes, but in the end it is a very piece of the artist's soul, and it represents something that all of us can connect to, at one point in our lives or another. Art is not merely a canvas with abstract paint spatters on it, nor is it confided to Baroque and other classical compositions, but is literally a diverse range of human activities and the product of those activities. Cars, such as the pointy and angular Lamborghini Aventador is certainly a beautiful form of art, from its sharp angles to its burbling blast of V12 magic. A Thompson M1928 sub machine gun is art, with its very opposing and sinister look of the ribbed barrel and the connected Cutts compensator, combined with the huge bulky 50 round magazine drum, it is a very interactive (and dangerous) work of art. Hard rock, hip hop, and even rap (despite many arguments) are certainly art, in fact I know of no other art that speaks to me as music does, this blog will use plenty of playlists to demonstrate my feelings. The point I am trying to make is, is that art describes what I cannot, and so I will use it to give a much deeper connection to me and how I feel. 

     Going back to my very first statement, that "We aren't perfect." I am saying this because we all too often judge based upon how we interpret the information we are given. We judge based upon our morals and our judgement, whether or not they are truly sound or right. We call this bigotry sometimes, as well as ignorance and biased opinions, a lot of names. Funny enough though, we are ALL guilty of this. We are all hypocrites in this sense. A little depressing to think about, but totally true. I am not saying this to point fingers at one another, but instead for you to understand that me and my interpretations may not be what you think and believe, and that is totally ok. Variety is the spice of life, huh? And that is why no two human beings are the exact same. This blog is not an art critic blog, but rather a journal that uses art to better express my thoughts and feelings. Not every post will have a painting, song, poem, or other stuff. But ever post will have a couple things in common: 1. They are all my thoughts and feelings, and 2. They will all hold a sacred and reverent love for my Creator, as well as His Son, my Savior.
     The connections between every post will have my sole and beautiful testimony (whether expressed literally or symbolically or deeper) of our Heavenly Father and His plan for us, His children. I do believe in God, and I am not ashamed of it either. Honestly He is the creator of all of this art, in one way or another. I cannot do anything without Him. I admit it, and I am in fact declaring that every day! I will not preach to you, I will not push you or pressure you or guilt trip you at all to my religion and my beliefs, but I will talk of it, and if any of you have any questions, I will freely answer them.
     So there it is, my imperfect beginning, my totally flawed genesis for another blog with another idea and another plan to achieve said idea. Well, get on with it then!